October Eighth

Dear future Jamie,

The things I left unsaid. It's incredible how many of these things there actually are. How many people i'm still desperately holding on to who are long gone. They're in my past, my present, and unfortunately most definitely in my future. I consider myself very much a "wears her heart on her sleeve" kind of girl, and thats good, i'm glad i'm like that. Sadly, sometimes I let myself down.

You see, people do come and go from life, it's perfectly normal. The hard part of that is when they've gone and you suddenly realise you had so much more to say to them. So many words that you choked on, that you fought back for fear of looking like a fool, so many that you wish you could erase with a simple "I'm sorry.". But it doesn't work like that. You can't go back and try again, you can't hit backspace and pretend that those words never came to be. 

Here I sit, typing these words whilst watching small chocolate cakes slowly rise in a warm oven, witnessing the soft glow gently emitting from the beginnings of a lunar eclipse, and i'm suddenly aware that this world is so much bigger than me. So much more important, with plans far beyond anything I can see. I am challenged because I finally know that I have to let go. Let go of all those words, those moments etched in my brain where I wish I'd made a different choice, and just try harder next time.

Denial is an interesting, somewhat magical thing until you realise it's there. That's when it becomes something entirely different. I think tomorrow, I might try acceptance.